"Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me," wrote poet Emily Dickinson in the late 1800's. Emily's words seem to personify death and, among other interpretations, indicate that even busy people cannot escape his "kindly" visit.

If Emily Dickinson imagined being too preoccupied by life's business to ponder death during her era, what words would she choose to describe our 21st century daily schedule of checking mobile devices, updating our social media and multi-tasking behaviors. So, when Death does stop by for us, we are mostly caught unawares. We are also frightened by the notion of our own mortality and, rarely, have pondered what kind of control we can have over our inevitable end. We leave it to our survivors to uncover any last wishes, guess at what our attitude toward end-of-life care might be and organize funeral arrangements we may not have envisioned. 

A new movement called "Death Cafes" is hoping to encourage people of all ages to discuss and plan for their demise in a relaxed atmosphere with family and friends. These "cafes" are casual dining events where the focus is on talking about death and options that you have control over while alive. It's purpose is to get the conversation started and allow you to bring that conversation home-both to your own nuclear family and to your elderly parent. 

The Innovation in Aging, Caregiving and Technology Summit (iACT) meetup group is excited to have Elva Roy speak about Death Cafes at our October 15th gathering. Elva Roy has an MBA and retired at the end of 2011 as Vice-President of a Dallas-based Fortune 500 corporation. Since then, she has been doing work that is more meaningful to her than corporate work. She currently serves as an unpaid volunteer on the Board of Directors of Funeral Consumers Alliance of North Texas, the Advisory Council of the Tarrant Area Agency on Aging, coordinates Age Friendly Arlington and teaches English as a Second Language to Spanish and Arabic speakers. Elva is a secular celebrant for weddings, funerals and valediction "funeral" services (before someone has died). She also has a private hypnosis practice where she specializes in treating bruxism, dementia, onychophagia, fear of flying and virtual obesity surgery. 

Elva will relate her experiences in hosting a “Death Café” event, as well as, explore some End-of-Life (“EOL”) options that not everybody knows they have. 

She will explain:

· what a “green burial” is

· what a “direct cremation” is compared to a “regular cremation”

· whether a DIY home funeral is legal in Texas

· whether you can bury your dead loved one on your property

· what you need to know about whole body donation (to science) versus “organ donation”

· what a valediction (“farewell”) service is ( as described in the book “Tuesdays With Morrie”).

She will give some ballpark costs about different kinds of End-of-Life arrangements around DFW.

Elva considers death to be part of the natural life cycle and not to be feared.

Here are links where you can learn more about Death Cafes:

Death Be Not Decaffeinated

Death Cafes Breathe Life Into Conversations About Dying

Death Dinners at Baby Boomers' Tables Take on Dying Taboo

If you would like to join us for "Happy Hour" at The Italian Club on Wednesday October 15th to hear Elva's presentation, click on the link below for more information:

http://www.meetup.com/iACTSummit/events/208087162/

Positive Outlook Counseling
Barbara Crowley, M.S., LPC-I

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Barbara Crowley specializes in individual therapy for adolescents and  adults. 

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

A few weeks ago, my husband and I gave our daughter away. Not because we didn’t like her anymore, but because she married a wonderful young man and we thought he should have her now.  Although all our children have been out of the house for a couple of years, this first-time wedding experience made their vacant rooms seem even more….vacant.

Don’t get me wrong. My husband and I are definitely not pining over the loss of our tenets. We survived a few ‘Boomerangs’ (otherwise known as come-back-and-live-at-home-as-a-young-adult-till-you-figure-it-out) and, man oh man, we have no desire to repeat that scenario. It’s just the ‘wedding’ served as a distinct marker that, not only was our daughter not coming back home, but my husband and I were now meant to carve out a different home for ourselves.

This shouldn’t be too difficult a task to wrap my head around, as I actually wrote my Master’s Thesis about adjustment to a life event known as the “empty nest”. According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, between the ages of 40-65 people are busy working and/or raising their children (Erikson termed it “generativity”) and thereby contributing to society’s greater good. However, if a person does not find their role in life meaningful anymore, they can develop feelings of “stagnation”. Once children leave the home their parents, particularly mothers, may have periods of sadness, loneliness, and even depression. These symptoms may be compounded by parallel events such as menopause, caring for older parents, or retirement.

However studies, besides my own, have found that the empty nest “syndrome” may have reached extinction. Dr. Caren Rubenstein, in her book “Beyond the Mommy Years: How to live happily ever after….after the kids leave home”, suggests the term “MotherLaunch Stage” to replace the negative connotations of an empty nest. This lifespan marker would indicate that the “mother mode is in the ‘off’ position and ‘me’ mode is turned back on”.  Her book offers women examples of how to effectively engage in, what Dr. Rubenstein believes to be, an exciting and challenging new stage of life.

Other research has provided possible explanations for the end of the empty nest. One reason may be a growing number of women have maintained fulfilling careers while raising a family; another is the rapid growth of communication technology such as smartphones, Skype, and social media options which allow mothers to remain in contact with their children on a regular basis.

Along with mothers finding life satisfaction through their workplace or community involvement while still retaining the ability to keep tabs on their adult kids, there is also the allure of the ‘bucket list’. A lot of people my age seem to have one and everyone loves to share what’s on theirs. Checking off to-do items on a bucket list would be a great distraction from the truth that your child-rearing days are so-OVER!! If you haven’t created your bucket list yet Christie Mellor, author of “Fun Without Dick and Jane: Your Guide to a Delightfully Empty Nest”, recommends doing something you would want mentioned in your obituary.

Still, even with all the perks this new found freedom affords me and all the research that debunks a “syndrome”, the fact remains that your children leaving home is bittersweet. During the end of winter months that preceded my daughter’s wedding, I started noticing barren trees with branches supporting exposed empty nests. I kept spotting those empty trees with nests everywhere I went, until spring finally bloomed and beautiful leaves lent cover once again to new nests.

While I have been accused of erecting shrines to their achievements in each child’s room, my husband has been giddily contemplating which one has the best floor plan for building a home gym for two. Waiting for his dream to become a reality, I have added it to our mutual bucket list and I look forward to joining his “exclusive” health club in the near future.

Hopefully, he will approve my membership request. 

Positive Outlook Counseling

Barbara Crowley, M.S., LPC-I

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Barbara Crowley specializes in individual therapy for adolescents and  adults. 

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

As comedian George Burns once said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”  The holidays will soon bring that family to a dining room near you. If close contact with some of your relations stresses you out each year and you start having flashbacks from the Ghost of Christmas’ Past, maybe it’s time to try something different.

Here is a buffet of sage advice from some experts:

• Learn how to forgive. Research conducted by Dr. Robert Enright at the International Forgiveness Institute has shown that forgiveness “creates a higher quality of life, a healthier body, and a more positive attitude”.  In addition, it helps us live a life of integrity and improves our personal relationships.
• Utilize conflict resolution skills offered by Bruce Feiler, “This Life” columnist for the Sunday New York Times. His suggestions include sitting alongside the person you are “negotiating” with as it increases collaboration and try to avoid using second-person pronouns (“you always do that”) since it is evidence of poor problem-solving ability.  
• Manage your anxiety and angry encounters by understanding how to control your emotions. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy developed by Dr. Albert Ellis instructs you to remember these ABC’s:

          Activating Events- are actual unpleasant situations or events we encounter that can trigger stress. EX: Interacting with a sibling at Thanksgiving conjures up hurtful experiences from childhood.

          Beliefs and Self-Talk- are silent, irrational statements we TELL ourselves about the activating event. EX: “My brother had no right to treat me that way and, since he did, I feel worthless. I can’t stand seeing him.”

          Consequences-are emotional and behavioral reactions that result from our beliefs and self-talk statements. Our behaviors can be negative and self-harming. EX: Anxiety, anger and depression.

          Try to practice “straight thinking” - acknowledging that events can influence you, but recognize you have the power to control consequences by replacing irrational beliefs and self-talk with rationality. EX: "My brother treated me that way. I didn't like it and, while it's difficult                   seeing him, I can stand it."                          

• Use the Buddhist concept of “bare attention”. Practice clear and single-minded awareness of what actually happens TO us and IN us at each successive moment of perception. Psychiatrist Dr. Mark Epstein believes that this kind of mindfulness enables us to observe everything (even holidays with the family) calmly using objective, passive, observation. Simply being present with our own actual experience, we are able to love and heal ourselves.
• Let go of the Hallmark card version of the holidays! Don’t obsess over your friends’ Facebook page, where everyone’s family looks like they get along because they’re all dressed in matching Christmas sweaters….or just Santa Hats. Click here to see kids that may have real issues with their parents when they grow up.

Finally, hold on tight to your sense of humor and enjoy Happy Holidays!

Positive Outlook Counseling

Barbara Crowley, M.S., LPC-I

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Barbara Crowley specializes in individual therapy for adolescents and  adults. 

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

By Barbara Crowley, M.S., LPC-Intern

Supervised by Carrie Crutcher LPC-S

October is the American Humane Society’s Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, so maybe you should participate if you have been contemplating the idea of finding a new best friend. Dogs are called ‘man’s best friend’ because they reward us with their loyalty, devotion and affection. In addition, science is discovering that owning a dog improves your physical health and sense of well-being. Research studies have shown that hospital patients who interact, even briefly, with a trained therapy dog show reduced blood pressure, reduced levels of epinephrine and norepinephrine, reduced anxiety, and increased levels of endorphins and oxytocin.

If limited contact with a dog can measurably affect our physiology, it stands to reason that mental and physical benefits may be greater if you actually live with one. Here is a list of bonus points we are awarded by cohabitation with a canine:

• Out of shape? Regular dog-walking improves fitness
• Socially awkward? Dog-walking increases social interaction as many people become friends with fellow dog owners they regularly meet (think dog park)
• Suffer from on-the-job stress? Walking your dog after work is an great way to transition to a stress-less evening
• Dog ownership helps people recover from personal trauma and bereavement, as dogs provide humans with a sense of emotional well-being and offer unconditional love
• The loving company of a dog can help people who suffer from depression by counteracting symptoms of isolation, rumination and lethargy. The responsibilities of owning a dog keeps a person anchored in the present and distracts from negative or anxious thoughts
• Good news for parents! Some studies suggest that pet-owning children have fewer days off school due to sickness
• Finally, along with the serious benefits, dogs are just plain good fun! They make you laugh. To prove it, enjoy this link to Best Dog Pictures of the Year http://www.businessinsider.com/best-dog-pictures-2013-10

By the way, if any cats are reading this-June is Adopt a Shelter Cat Month. So you better step up your game…..

Dallas Area Animal Shelters and Rescue

http://www.dallasanimalservices.org/

http://www.spca.org/

http://www.operationkindness.org/index.php

http://www.animalrescueoftexas.org/info/file?file=13254.html

http://www.northdallasdogrescue.org/

http://www.dognkittycity.org/

http://www.greyhoundsunlimited.org/

http://secondchancespca.org/

http://www.takemehomepetrescue.com/

http://www.animalrescueklub.org/

http://www.richardsonhumanesociety.org/

Positive Outlook Counseling

Barbara Crowley, M.S., LPC-I

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Barbara Crowley specializes in individual therapy for adolescents and  adults. 

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

I’m into loneliness. Well, to clarify, I recently read two books that prompted my interest in learning more about loneliness and its effects on our evolving society. The first book “Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” was written by social neuroscientist John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick. Loneliness, as defined by the authors, is the perception that you are socially isolated rather than the actual frequency of contact with other people. Drawing from years of investigative studies and evolutionary psychological theory, Dr. Cacioppo presents the idea that avoidance of chronic loneliness is an instinctual “drive”-much like the avoidance of hunger and thirst. As human beings our strong sense of self-preservation dictates that we seek out a comfortable amount of food, shelter and safety. We may be more successful at maintaining those basic needs if we are not alone. The trick is in the ability to forge bonds with others, make friends, and belong to a community. But due to the fact that significant genetic contributions to loneliness exist, some of us naturally possess this ability and some of us do not.

However, Dr. Cacioppo has not written a self-help book on how to “make friends and influence people” rather he offers the results of his research in an understandable form and provides a new way of thinking about loneliness. In my mind, one of the most important findings was that chronic loneliness can have negative effects on both an individual’s psychological and physiological state. Social isolation has an impact on health that is comparable to the effects of high blood pressure, lack of exercising, obesity, and smoking. Loneliness shows up in measurements of stress hormones, immune response, and cardiovascular function where, over time, these physiological changes can accelerate the aging process.

Among other instruments used to measure a person’s level of loneliness, researchers employ the UCLA Loneliness Scale. If you would like to take the test yourself click on the link below: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/loneliness.htm

In what appears to be the opposite of avoiding social isolation is Eric Klinenberg’s book entitled, “Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone”. Klinenberg’s initial interest stemmed from research he did for an earlier book in which he wrote about 700 people dying during the 1995 heat wave in Chicago. He discovered that many of those people died alone in their homes from the disaster because they were living alone.

Klinenberg decided his next project would further investigate the rising phenomenon of 32.7 million Americans living alone more closely. Conducting over 300 interviews, he expected these “singletons” to be report loneliness and depression. What he found was that there is a distinction between living alone and being alone or isolated. Interestingly, people who live alone tend to spend more time socializing with friends and neighbors than people who are married. Klinenberg goes on to describe factors he believes are driving this trend, as well as the downside of living alone. He states, for example, that men do not ask for help or assistance as often as women do and of the 700 who died alone during the Chicago heat wave most were men.

So, what did I learn from these seemingly different takes on aloneness? First, chronic loneliness (again the perception of being socially isolated) can make you physically sick. However, even if you were not fortunate to have been endowed with socially outgoing genes and a nurturing family, all is not lost. Human beings have the ability to learn new ways to adapt their behaviors and find a comfortable niche in a social group. But you have to be willing to work on making those behavioral changes. Secondly, choosing to live alone is trending as a big societal change. Now, I will no longer feel pangs of sadness when I see people eating by themselves at restaurants because maybe they really WANT to be alone. Finally, with so many choosing to live alone (especially the elderly), we should try and look out for each other. Check in with your neighbors and say hello to that shy, quiet person at work or school. You may make their day and improve their health.